[Disclaimer: This post is work of fiction. Other than a few facts mentioned in Bold, nothing is real, I literally mean nothing. The following event/meeting/conversation never happened. It is for fun and entertainment, please don’t be a spoil sport. If you like it please do share it. Thank you!]
One fine evening just before the commencement of the election campaign, Rahul Ji, Modi Ji and Lalu Ji ended up taking a halt at the same roadside dhaba in Bihar. All three took a cursory glance at each other, looked around trying to figure out if there were any cameras around. After a slight hesitation all three decided to have dinner together. They approached each other, greeted and chose a table secluded from the rest; towards the very end.
The menu was already on the table, Lalu Ji looked at the card and broke the ice “Lets see what’s in the Menu” and asked, “Have you eaten in a roadside dhaba before, Rahul Ji?” Of course I have! replied Rahul Ji taking no time.
In the mean time waiter arrives, what should I bring for you sir? Modi Ji who was sitting on the side closer to the waiter, was to reply first. Lalu Ji pushes the menu towards Modi Ji. Without looking at the menu Modi Ji says – A masala chai for me, if possible with ginger and Tulsi leaves. I like it that way.
Okay sir, that won’t be a problem.
For you sir? while looking at Rahul Ji. Modi ji pushed the menu card towards him. In the exact similar fashion Rahul Ji without looking at the Menu, ordered “Sambuca, white, with coffee beans” and after a few seconds pause added “get it with flame”.
Waiter was stuck at “Sam– what?” Lalu Ji came to his rescue looked at Rahul Ji “This is a dhaba in Bihar and not a Cafe in Italy,” shifting his glance to the waiter without blinking said “get a desi tharra for him and a hukka for me”
Sure sir, we have ‘tharra‘ but no hukka.
Lalu Ji with his swollen nostrils- do you have a family? Waiter’s face turned pale, and in no time he replied “Sorry sir, I will arrange a hukka for you”
Rahul Ji seemed amazed at this, asked Lalu Ji “What does his family has to do with Hukka?” To this Lalu Ji smiled and said “I was once the ring master of the jungle raj that I ran here for more than a decade; from 1990 to 2005 to be precise. The rules were different, kidnappings and extortions were daily chores, everyone knows it. And so does the waiter. He will get a hukka for me, does not matter from where and how. Wait and watch!”
Oh! that’s interesting. Is that why you are in the jail? Rahul Ji trying to crack a joke on him, after all it is/was unusual for a popular politician to be a convict, not just accused or under trial but a proper convicted felon serving a 27-year sentence.
No, for fodder scam! Modi Ji replied. Adding on, “he indeed made more sequels to the fodder scam than George R. R. Martin made sequels for his novel “a song of ice and fire.”” There is Fodder Scam Case I, what’s the amount I am forgetting… The waiter arrived with Masala tea and desi tharra, interrupted the ongoing conversation but completed the sentence (₹ 4.50 billion ($111.85 million, Chaibasa Treasury) then Fodder Scam Case II (INR8.927 million, Deoghar District Treasury), followed by Fodder Scam Case III (INR356.2 million, Chaibasa Treasury) and then Fodder Scam Case IV (Rs 3.13 crore, Dumka District Treasury) and then Fodder Scam Case V (INR1.84 billion, Doranda Treasury).
He placed the tea in front of Modi Ji and desi in front of Rahul Ji, Lalu Ji looked at him with anger “Where is the Hukka, Budbak?”
Sorry sir, it is taking a bit longer than we expected, we found one and are preparing it for you, it will be here in less than a few minutes.
It better be!
The waiter turned around and started to leave. Modi Ji stopped him, Wait!! that’s not the complete list, tell the complete list. The waiter looked at Lalu Ji with fear. Lalu Ji gave a disgusted look to Modi Ji and then looked the other side. It was a cue for the waiter to recite the list. He began, then there was 1998 disproportionate assets case, 2005 Indian Railway tender scam, 2017 Delight Properties case, 2017 AB Exports cases, 2017 Patna zoo soil scam
That’s enough for now said Modi Ji, go and get hukka for him. He needs it now.
The waiter left, Modi Ji had a grin on his face. Rahul Ji was busy listening to the waiter and sipping his desi. He poked Lalu ji “You don’t have the finesse to orchestrate a scam. Have you ever seen UPA’s scams? You have to learn a lot, Lalu Ji. Sibal uncle successfully convinced every one that there was no loss to the nation even when the rules were misused and abused, the famous zero loss theory, BJP tried its best but couldn’t do anything, every one knows there were scams, but no body can do shit about it, no body can prove anything”. Modi Ji’s smile vanished and couldn’t do anything more than “a kadi ninda” just stare at Rahul Ji’s arrogant face with anger. And Lalu Ji raised both his arms and uttered “Hail Mogambo”
Lalu Ji while breaking the awkward silence once again said, “But I don’t have any problems in the jail, its quite comfortable there, I get what I want, when I want. More over I have been to jail more than enough times in the past, it isn’t a big deal for me anymore”. Do you know when was the first time I was sent to jail, Rahul Ji? Even before Rahul Ji could say anything, Lalu ji continued “Your Dadi sent me to jail in the 70s, infact to keep reminding my people of the evils of your Dadi I named my eldest daughter Misa, as in Management of Indira Sanjay Act, and now this budbak Tejashvi forgot everything and is giving your party 70 seats, your party doesn’t even deserve seven”
Come on Lalu ji, we are partners now, past is past. He (pointing towards Modi Ji) is the villain now, I am on your side. But Dadi and Tau had an act named after them, that’s amazing. But is it listed in the list of all the laws and acts? I never saw it as is.
The waiter interrupted, arrived with hukka, kept it next to Lalu ji, and stuttered, as if was thinking if he should speak or not, but spoke anyhow. ahm.. it was MISA (Maintenance of Internal Security Act), this act was massively used to crush the political opposition. Apart from Lalu ji, many other noticeable personalities like Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Chandra Shekhar, Devi Lal, George Fernandes, M Karunanidhi, Lal Krishn Advani etc. were detained using this act. Also, Ram Vilas Paswan who recently passed away was detained for the entire duration of emergency using the very same act.
What would you like to eat sir?
Again, without looking at the Menu card, Modi Ji said “A Sattu Parantha for me”, as soon as he said this, Rahul Ji got furious and said “This is not fair Modi ji, it is below the belt, you cannot order a pappu parantha”. There is no pappu-parantha. Lalu Ji couldn’t control his giggle and said “its sa -sattu and not pa–pappu”. After correcting Rahul Ji, he placed his own order “Get me a plate of Litti Chokha“. Okay sir, replied the waiter. And you Rahul Ji? Rahul Ji did not want to make the same mistake that he did while ordering drinks, so he repeated what Lalu Ji ordered, Mitti Chokha for me to. The waiter smiled, but said nothing and wrote Litti Chokha in his diary. It was a little too windy, hearing was a bit difficult. And Rahul Ji had little to no knowledge of local cuisines. Honest mistake with the names!
Rahul Ji coming back at Modi Ji after the sattu-pappu screw up. How is the tea? Did they make it better then you? Tell me honestly did you ever sell tea or was it just another jumla?
Hahahaha, everybody burst in laughter. Modi Ji kept mum.
Continuing, Rahul Ji looked at Lalu Ji, “If you think we don’t even deserve 7 seats, who is going to win this time?”
Of course we are!! Laluji replied, taking a break from his gud gud .. hukka. MY alliance has never betrayed me.
“Its our alliance now, not your alone” Rahul Ji interrupted.
He meant MY – Muslim-Yadav Alliance; Modi Ji corrected Rahul Ji.
Oh! exclaimed Rahul Ji and winked Modi Ji. You always do caste politics.
Lalu Ji continued, “to be honest, it would be a khichdi sarkar (coalition government) and of course my son would be the chief minister. I know Bihar inside out, no one knows it better then me. I have already setup the rules of the game in the name of social justice. Social Justice in simple terms means Yadav-ization. As an icing on cake, Shiv Sena, NCP, AAP, AIMIM, BSP etc. etc. would also do my bidding. Shiv Sena is contesting on 30 seats, NCP on 150, they will win zero or may be one seat, but they will take away crucial BJP/JD(u) votes. And so will other parties. Bihar politics is all about castes; Kurmis, Koeris, Yadavs, Backwards, Other Backwards, Extremely Backwards, Dalits, Mahadalits blah blah and blah blah. And people like it, every four and a half years, we pick up and highlight cases against Dalits or Muslims and win the election. Last time it was beef, remember Akhlaq Lynching case (UP) in September 2015 and Bihar elections in October-November 2015. This time it is Hathras (UP), dalit gang rape and murder case in September 2020 and the elections in October-November 2020. Do you think its just another coincidence?”
Wow! that’s one good political system you established in Bihar, Lalu Ji.
No, No don’t give me all the credit. The seeds were sown by your own party. For example the Freight Equalization Policy. It never allowed the industries to come to Bihar and created a huge vacuum in the state, where nasty stuff took precedence by default. What happens when you leave a fertile land untilled for a year? Unwanted weeds grow up!!
As soon as Lalu Ji mentioned Fright, Rahul Ji leaned back a little, put his hand in his right pocket and took a coin out. He put the coin on the table. Lalu Ji asked what’s that for? He replied, we have a rule at home, when any one says the F-word, every one has to put a coin in the jar.
Oh Rahul Ji, that rule applies to one specific F-word not every other word starting with “F”.
Seriously? I have been scammed it seems. Recently my entire month’s pocket money went away.
How? asked Lalu Ji.
Every body around me was speaking F-words day in and day out and I had to empty my pockets.
What were they saying? Asked Lalu Ji.
An epic face palm moment. The waiter turns up with the food, sees Modi Ji and Lalu Ji with their hands pressed against their foreheads, asked “is everything okay sir?”
Yeah, everything is fine. He kept Sattu Parantha in front of Modi Ji and Litti Chokha in front of the other two.
Rahul Ji looked at Lalu Ji and asked what was that policy again Freight… The waiter completed the sentence again Freight Equalization Policy. And continued “This meant a factory could be set up anywhere in India and the transportation of minerals would be subsidized by the central government. The policy was introduced in 1952, and remained in force until 1993. The policy hurt the economic prospects of the mineral-rich states like Bihar, WB and Jharkhand”
So, if this policy was hurdle in Bihar’s development, why didn’t Bihar excel after 1993, when the policy was abrogated? To this Rahul Ji’s question, the waiter said “After removal of the subsidies in 1993, the increased transport cost was not a motivation to any of the big factories to move to Bihar, moving to Bihar would be a much much bigger cost at that time, plus the mafia was a big problem now. The government did not do anything for Bihar; natural resources along with the Biharis moved out, but nothing meaningful entered Bihar making it a caste-ism and crime capital of the country. The kids knew only one thing – UPSC/government jobs, Bihar alone produces more than 25% of the IAS/IPS. The government could have at least tried to make Bihar an educational hub especially when it had institutions like Nalanda, but the state ended up being called a BIMARU and Biharis a BIMARi, forced to roam and live as outsiders in other states. ”
Rahul Ji got angry listening to this, “Who the f-fright do you think you are? Do you know what I can do, I can frighting bring an earthquake, a cyclone, throw China away and that too in just 15 minutes, ask these guys. Don’t angry me.”
Seeing Rahul Ji all worked up, Lalu Ji pitched in “Calm down Rahul Ji, he probably is just another failed UPSC aspirant.” Ae Budbak, go away, shhhh..
The waiter went away keeping his head down.
Cheer up Rahul Ji, see Anarkali of Arrah, has arrived, she is going to present a song for entertainment.
Rahul Ji replied, no, she is a bad omen, ask her to leave. Whoever she supports, loses the election. To this Modi Ji asked “Rahul Ji, where is your friend from JNU?” Rahul Ji didn’t say much, “He was just a waste of money like all other stooges we invested in”. Modi Ji, I am telling you, you have broken the unwritten rule. “A ruling party never burns opposition parties’ cash”. Ever since, you have come in power, every year you do the exact same thing, first you did demonetization, this year you cancelled MPLADs and now you cancelled all the Mandi Fees and taxes. After Jharkhand was carved out of Bihar, Bihar became an agrarian state. The middlemen and agents aren’t going to vote for you. Also important people like Captain uncle and Pawar uncle are very upset with you. We are running so short on cash to that my people have started cutting on my travel funds.
This has to stop. You are destroying the economy Mr. Modi. You are breaking everything we have built so far. It was not easy to build the system the way it is. My family has made sacrifices for this system.
I am done with you, I can’t sit with you anymore. I will not stay here any longer.
Saying this, Rahul Ji got up and left, Lalu Ji followed hime. The dhabawala looks at Modi Ji.
Of course! The one who stays last pays everyone’s bill.
Thanks for Reading!!!